This morning at 7:30 we got the news that we have been trying to avoid for two and a half years; Brandy is positive for COVID.
It started on Wednesday when the school called to say that she was coughing so hard on the bus, that it turned around and took her back to the school. When I went to pick her up they said that she had started coughing earlier in the day. Throughout the night on Wednesday she seemed to get worse and by Thursday she was fully symptomatic. Because of her co-morbidities we were able to book her a PCR test for Friday morning, and again because of those same things they expedited the results; and this morning I got a text saying it was confirmed. Last night Paul and I both started to feel gross with sore throats, body aches and nose complications, we both woke up this morning feeling worse. We have since both tested with a rapid test but have come back negative, which I don’t believe for a single minute, and ill explain why in a little bit. Marcus was next to wake up and he tested positive. Amelia and Noah both have symptoms (she more than him) but they have both tested negative.
So now let me explain why I think that the negative results are bologna, you see our Brandy may be chronologically 12 but when she is sick she functions more at the age of a preschooler. She is very needy and wants to be physically held every minute of every day. She also has no concept of being germ hygienic. She regularly will cough or sneeze in our faces, she will put her finger in her nose and not use a Kleenex. Its intense. She will also drink out of whatever glass is closest and if you don’t realize that she has had her lips on your glass than its without your knowing that you are putting her germs in your mouth.
Being diabetic I have done my very best to do all of the right things. And with Brandy's heart condition and asthma we have done the same.
This morning when I got the news I was angry. I was mad at the government for telling us to send our kids back to school, mad at myself for sending her to school and mad at the parent that let their kid go to school sick. I was in my meditation space and I realized that my anger wasn’t doing anyone, especially me any good. And I am also choosing to believe that whomever B got covid from didn’t know they were contagious. I am not going to believe that people are infecting others on purpose. As for being mad at myself or the government, it was Paul and I together that decided to send her back. As much as I hate Kenny and Lagrange, I had every option to keep her home.
What I am allowing myself to be upset about is the way that people and the media talk about those with co-morbidities. And I actually read a very interesting article about it last night (www.leavingevidence.wordpress.com titled You Are Not Entitled to Our Deaths), in this blog she talks about how those with disabilities and co-morbidities have become the disposable commodity in this pandemic; and I agree with her. How many times have we heard news people or government officials report a death followed by, “they had underlying conditions?" I would like to state for the record that I am more than my co-morbidity. I am more than diabetic. Brandy is more than her heart condition.
Have you ever really thought about triage? This is what happens when you go to emergency, they decided who needs the help first, who is at greater risk of severe outcomes. HOWEVER, if there are two Misty’s one diabetic, one not, and only one ventilator they would choose to give it to the misty without diabetes because there is a greater chance for a successful outcome. This is not based on who is the better human, this is based only on who has a better chance of survival. So, diabetic Misty would be kept as comfortable as possible and would be a disposable human in the event of death. And then it would be reported on the news that she died because of a co-morbidity and therefore wasn’t as important. And you may say or think that is not what the news is doing but it is ableism in its finest.
So, for two and a half years I have been listening to people being dehumanized because of the exact same co-morbidity that I have, the exact same one. And not only that, but THE co-morbidity that is always reported first. Have you ever felt disposable? I have literally been feeling disposable for two years! And feeling like my daughter with an already dysfunctional heart, Asthma and FASD is disposable as well. That is a heavy load to carry.
For two years I have been dreading what would happen if I caught covid. How would the nurses and doctors look at me? What whispers would I hear coming from the hall? How many people would say to me, “well your fat and diabetic”? How would the news report my death? “oh thank goodness someone else died, but don’t worry, she was diabetic”. Its an awful feeling.
So here we are, positive. Thank goodness I am double vaxxed and boosted, as is Paul and Brandy. Marcus and Noah are both double vaxxed but not boosted yet. This morning I was feeling pretty okay but as the day goes on I am starting to feel worse; body aches, swimmy head, sore throat, cough, exhaustion; I cant help but be worried that I am going to need medical intervention.
I understand that everyone (well mostly) has covid fear, and I'm not suggesting that I am the worse case scenario, I realize that there are people far worse off than Brandy and I, however this fear is very, very real. I am the disposable asset. I am the walking co-morbidity that people would shrug their shoulders at loosing.
I’m not going to lie, my IG and FB highlight reel look pretty damn good, however just as anyone else’s, it’s curated to sound and look as though I’m living the most amazing life. And that’s not to say that I’m not living an amazing life, however, I have my stuff just like everyone else. I have my complications, fears, jealousies, and sadness.