It’s Sunday morning and the house is quiet (except for the sounds of my son’s alarms being ignored), Bella is asleep beside me and I’m just about to make a cup of tea.
My heart is full…but I say this while also coming off of a difficult week. A low, sad, dark week.
Some of you may know that I am chemically treated for clinical depression, extreme anxiety, and ADHD; and this week was a rough week. It turns out that there were a couple of reasons for that but when you’re in the thick of things you can’t make sense of it.
It always surprises me when people say they don’t experience anxiety or depression. It’s such an everyday part of my life that it’s normal and I just assume everyone else knows how it feels. Last night we went to dinner with friends and one of them said that they experienced an intense anxiety attack for the first time. They said that they felt like they were dying and that they couldn’t believe how they were physically feeling the stress. They were saying it as a way of relating to me, finally being able to understand why I am the way I am. My heart just about broke for them. Yes, I appreciated them coming to understanding a little more about me, but I don’t want people to have to feel such painful things.
Anyway my week was hard, emotionally I was a mess and I had a headache that just wouldn’t quit. And when you are in the thick of it, it feels like there is no way out. On Thursday I taught yoga and slowly started to feel better (even though I made a huge mistake at work). Friday was a little bit better and I forced myself to go bowling with my family and friends and ended up having a great time. Saturday morning was quiet, although the feelings of anxiety were ever present. Saturday afternoon we had puppy yoga and then we met friends for dinner and I left feeling calm and happy. And this morning? I woke up feeling peaceful and looking forward to my day. I am slowly climbing up out of the valley.
So why am I telling you all this?
Well, because I want you to know that if you are in the muck of things, in the bog of eternal stench (movie reference), that I see you. I know how hard it can be to climb out of the depth of the valley. And I also know what it’s like to say “why bother climbing out at all” because you know at any given moment you could feel that low or even lower than before. Whether your depression and anxiety is diagnosed professionally or not, it is real, it is hard and it is scary.
I want you to know that there are plenty of things you can do to help yourself feel better, all you have to do is do a quick google search and you’ll be flooded with ideas; but sometimes it’s not possible and I understand that too. Sometimes just remembering to breathe is enough.
I could tell you some coping strategies if you want them, however the point of this post is to tell you that I see you and I understand, not trying to 'fix' you.
Now that I’m climbing up the hill out of the valley I feel lighter, like every vertical assent gets me closer to the sun. ☀️ I can look back on last week and smile at myself with self compassion. I am saying to myself “phew, thank god that’s over”. Yes, I know there will be more valleys but every time I crawl out of one it reminds me that it doesn’t last forever, that all things have a season and that season doesn’t last forever. Some seasons are longer than others, but change will come.
I want to offer you my hand. I cannot and will not offer any sort of mental health advice, but if you need someone to know that you are in a valley or in the bog of eternal stench, you can let me know, just so you don’t feel so alone, because feeling like you’re alone is one of the worst feelings. Sometimes all we need is for someone to say “I see you”. I also want to remind you that this is not permanent, this is a moment of time that will come to pass, but in the meantime try not to trust the thoughts in your head that are telling you that you are an awful person or waste of breath, these aren’t real and are not to be trusted.
So, this week was a few days of yuck and I am starting to feel much better, my heart is full and I am at peace. I am grateful. And like I said, I’m here if you need me.
Yes, have to remember... when you're IN that bog,.. like you said,... it doesn't last forever. And just let yourself wallow... almost enjoy the wallowing.,... stupid brain chattering, pestering you with stupid thoughts,.. watch those stupid thoughts, your SELF knowing its rubbish, but affecting your body, your emotions,... but you know its rubbish. But let yourself wallow and cry, get it out of your system,.. cause you KNOW,... It always goes away.
The best thing is to go out and be with people and it helps flush those low feelings, but it's such a hard thing to do when you're in that bog.
This couldn’t be more relatable! As a fellow trifecta person, I get it. The last 3 months, and the last 3 weeks have been ROUGH to say the least. It’s comforting to know that we’re not alone, we have friends/family/community we can lean on, on and off the mat.
Also, this is the second bog of eternal stench reference I’ve encountered today!
First of all, A+ movie reference. Labyrinth is one of my favourite movies of all time.
Second of all, I am also part of the depression/anxiety/adhd trifecta club! I just bought myself a super cute pill organizer to make it a little more palatable that I have to take so many meds just to function.
Third of all, thank you for sharing. <3 I am happy to hear that you are climbing up the other side. You are still here, and still breathing, and still helping people, and as a total stranger, I am SO proud of you.
Your honesty and sharing touches me so deeply, everyone needs to know they are not alone. Thank you for doing that.
The babe with the power 💪🏻